In the years leading up to my divorce I used to get together with my friends and we would (ahem – occasionally) sit around and discuss how irritating our partners were being at the moment.

As things got more dire between myself and my ex-husband this became the only thing I ever really talked about. I kept a mental list of how I had been wronged by my ex and I would go around and get everyone’s opinion on whether I was being reasonable or not. I got very good at explaining everything that had happened to lead up to the latest incident and I prided myself on how I was interpreting the situation in a fair and objective manner. When I got the support I was looking for, I felt even more justified in feeling (just a tad) sorry for myself.

I used to think this strategy of talking out my grievances was an effective self-care strategy until I realized one day that while my friends and family love me and support me, they could do nothing to stop my ex from doing the things that upset me.  In fact, no one could. One day a huge wave of hopelessness overtook me as I realized that I would have to deal with this unreasonable person for a very long time (my children are young). I like to think of this list of grievances as complaints I had taken to the court of my brain. They had been filed with the court, argued and decided with the help of a jury of my friends and family.  I was waiting for my ex-spouse to be sentenced.

On this day when the wave of hopelessness overtook me, I had projected this catalogued list of grievances into my future. I would have to deal with this unreasonable person who would continue to do things that upset me for the rest of my life and I realized he would never be sentenced for his wrongs in a way that would satisfy me.

That day I knew I couldn’t continue as I had been.

I started to keep track of what made me feel the worst.

I noticed that when I immediately surrounded myself by people after an upsetting incident and ranted and complained it took a lot longer for me to get over the incident. In fact, people would ask me how I was doing a few days later and that would trigger me to relive the incident and I would get upset at the injustice of it again.

I also noticed that when I ranted and raved about the incident in an email that I sent to myself, it slightly helped take away my urge to rant to others.

I noticed that if I tried to pick out positive results of this latest incident, I also got over it faster. For example,  I really have to thank my ex-spouse for helping me learn how to deal with difficult people.  This may sound cheeky and like I’m being factitious, but no one can get along with everyone and prior to my divorce I would either get along with everyone or avoid them. I cannot avoid my ex-spouse and so I am learning how to deal with him so I don’t feel upset. This skill has changed my life.

I noticed that if I spent my time gathering evidence for the court of opinion, I had no time to focus on my personal growth and happiness and entire days of my life would be lost to feelings of anger.

And I noticed that when I stopped talking to my friends about incidents they went away from my brain.

So the next time you find yourself gossiping or complaining about someone, ask yourself, who are you serving?