What do we know about systems? Once they are up and running, they tend to get stronger and stronger; they become systemized! I only have to look at the systems we have in our household to see just how entrenched they have become. Who makes dinner? Me. Who cleans up after dinner? Me again. Who does the laundry? Ah, yes, me.

I developed some pretty good ways to support myself using those systems, and my kids got used to our household systems. They are so firmly entrenched that I usually decide it’s easier to keep these systems in place when I start thinking about changing them. I keep trucking along despite knowing I’m creating two more enabled adults. I am wearing myself down, and our current system will negatively impact my relationships with my sons. Yikes – can we say system entrenchment?

So, how do I change the household systems I’ve got going on?

I’ll tell you what I’ve tried.

Badgering and nagging.

Threatening.

Essentially, I’ve been fighting the system. Surprise, it’s not working, and fighting the system is incredibly draining.

How do I use the system (it works really well!) to create a new system because fighting it is a losing battle?

What in my system works well?

Dinner is getting on the table, laundry is getting done, and dishes are (mostly) clean. I have gotten things down to a science and have more time. What was the first thing I did with that time? I noticed all the household chores that still weren’t done and nagged my children more.

Then, the lightbulb went off. I thought about how to use my current system to build a new one. The kids and I manage to sit down together for dinner every night (due to my good systemizing of dinner). Dinner has become the time when I talk to the kids about what’s going on in their lives and what’s going on in mine. I have incorporated a gratitude exercise into dinner, and we have begun to use that time to look forward to our next day. I started to give my kids a heads-up about what I wanted them to do the next day as I have noticed that when they know what they need to do in advance, they often do it.

I now have a new system for breakfast dishes, though we are working on perfecting it; that will come as systems, once they are close to running, tend to improve as they run.

When building the new breakfast-pot-dish-washing system, I would hunt down my eldest (who always wakes up last in the morning) to remind him that he gets to clean the pot if he’s the last one to use it. This meant getting up from my desk, knocking on his door, and hearing “WHAT?” in response (yes, conflict). I also noticed that we didn’t get into conflict when I found a way to remind him gently.

Ok – how could I use the system to build my new system? Well, my eldest eventually appears for lunch. So, when he does, I remind him that the pot needs cleaning.

I have noticed our pot-washing system is nearly perfect, giving me more time to think about how to use it to build even better ones. Today, as he was washing the oatmeal pot, I noticed that my coffee pot was sitting right there, wanting to be washed ooh – I think I’ve thought of something else!