For much of my life, I’ve tried to fit into situations and conversations that never quite fit me back. My grandma used to say, “There you go, being contrary again; that’s the Smith in you.” She meant it as a quip about my argumentative streak, supposedly inherited from her husband’s side of the family. But if you’d asked me, I’d have to disagree with her assessment -it came from her :).

She wasn’t the only one to call me argumentative or just plain wrong. Truthfully, I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling wrong. Like many people, I didn’t want to be different, so I learned to prove I was right or conform. Most of the time, conforming won because some battles felt impossible.

For instance, take Christmas. Why can’t we skip the consumerism? Or the stress? Can’t we keep the cozy parts and let go of the madness? No? Okay, fine. I’ll buy things my kids don’t need and run myself ragged so they can have a “good Christmas” because, apparently, that’s what being a good mom looks like.

Christmas – I’ve made some small changes over the years—enough to feel like I’m doing something. Last year, though, I took a break from full-on Christmas—no big production. Instead, I focused on spending time with family and friends, putting up some lights, and leaving the rest behind. I will admit that it was hard, and I felt like I was letting some friends and family down, but as long as I held onto traditions that weren’t working, I would never be able to build new traditions that would work.

Forcing myself to conform never felt right. It wasn’t just uncomfortable; it was like living a lie. I went along with things I didn’t believe in, and eventually, that took its toll. Each time, I’d hit a breaking point. I’d find a way to escape conformity but then turn the blame inward. I’d beat myself up for not being able to fit in.

One of the narratives I told myself for years was, “I don’t like commitment.” I saw it as a personal flaw, a failure to stick with things. Lately, I’ve realized that I didn’t have a problem with commitment; my problem was with committing to a life that didn’t make sense to me.

As I look back at my life, it makes more sense now. I’ve always moved from situation to situation, staying just long enough to figure out what didn’t align. I’d try to fix it, sometimes even trying to change systems that were far too entrenched to budge. When I couldn’t make progress, I’d leave, feeling angry, depressed, and deeply disappointed in myself.

But something is different now. My most recent departure didn’t come with the usual self-blame. This time, I left because I recognized there was no point in trying to conform to something that fundamentally didn’t work for me.

And here’s the exciting part: I’m not just walking away—I’m building something new. It’s small right now, but it’s mine. I’m doing things my way this time, and I’m curious to see where it leads.

If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, like the world expects you to shrink or twist yourself into something you’re not, I see you. It’s not easy, but there’s strength in embracing the things that make you different. There’s freedom in letting go of what doesn’t make sense and creating something that does.

Here’s to finding our own paths—and walking them unapologetically.