Divorce is horrible. That is an understatement. I had no idea how horrible until I went through the divorce process myself.

Ok, it may not be horrible for everyone, like those couples that have mutually agreed that it is for the best if they go their separate ways and can amicably agree on how that should be done. Wouldn’t it would be great if divorce truly was an amicable process and both parties thought it was for the best?  Life coaches could be doing more work helping people live their dreams as opposed to helping people simply get through another meeting or conversation with their ex. Based on my observations of the world though, most people don’t divorce amicably.

This post is for those non-amicable couples. It is for people who suddenly find themselves in the middle of a divorce and aren’t quite sure how they got there.

This post is also designed to get you through the acute stage of divorce (the one to two years surrounding your separation date).  It is for those people who are so emotional that they cannot read one of the 200 – 400 page books on how to divorce and who do not have the money to pay for a life coach or psychologist on top of the legal fees.

The first thing to understand is that divorce is conflict based. It involves two people who want to go their separate ways and each of them has a different idea of how to do that. If they were in agreement on how to separate, they’d belong in the amicable divorcing couple category and would not need to read this post.

The second thing to understand is that improperly dealing with conflict (either by avoiding it, succumbing to it, or by getting off on it) is what makes divorce horrible and it hurts your kids if they are watching. This is not an oversimplification.

So how does one properly deal with conflict? That is what a considerable number of professionals spend a good chunk of time researching and figuring out. I have honed it down to what works for me:

  1. You agree to not go to court to settle your differences.  Court is designed to increase conflict. While you are in the court process you are gathering evidence to use against your ex instead of figuring out what it is you both need to move on. There are other ways to get a divorce including mediation and the Collaborative Legal approach.
  2. You pro-actively agree on a communication plan and you stick to the rules of that plan. Here are some basics:
    • Only contact your ex (email, texting and phone) between the hours of 9:00 am and 5:00 pm unless it is an emergency (and it would be a good idea to outline what constitutes an emergency and you may need someone to help you with this if you disagree, see below).
    • Keep all emails brief. I recommend no more than five (5) sentences. For example: “I bought shoes for the children, would you please consider paying for half?”
    • When your ex replies to your initial email in a way you do not like, do not respond for a least a day. Maybe two. THIS IS VERY HARD TO DO. Eventually you will start to see a pattern of what happens when you get in an email war with your ex and that will be enough to stop you from doing it in the future (again, spoken from experience).
    • Let your ex know you received the email and you will be responding in a day (or two if that is what you decided).
    • Do not argue your case or defend yourself in an email or even in person without a neutral third party present.  Why? It is very hard to make an argument without your ex perceiving it as an attack. This gives your ex the go ahead and motivation to attack back. When you defend yourself, it it like an invitation to your ex to find holes in your defense.
    • Decide what is important to you that you cannot let go of. Arrange a meeting with your ex to discuss this important issue. If the meeting starts to go south, simply stop talking. Adjourn the meeting and take some time (at least a day) to think about it and reassess how important your issue is to you. If it is still important, arrange to meet with your ex again with a neutral (preferably professional mediator or lawyer) present.
    • Don’t discuss the communication between you and your ex with anyone else.
    • Do not communicate with your ex about serious issues in a public place unless you both have agreed to do so beforehand.
  3. Do not criticize, gossip or talk about your ex.   I know this hard not to do and I still do it, but complaining about my ex to others keeps me in a negative frame of mind. I do not want my main memories of my life to be riddled with all the bad thoughts I was having about my ex. I want room for joy in my life.
  4. Forgive yourself when you succumb to the lure of conflict. It takes time and practice.