When my ex and I first separated, I spent a long time trying to craft my emails to my ex so that there was nothing offensive in them. I did not want him to attack back as reading those attacks was pretty painful. How could this person that I had been a partner to for 20 years, whom I’d had children with, whom I’d put first in life, write these things about me?

So I spent hours crafting my emails to try to be clear and concise, without blame and without judgement.

I would still get attack emails back.  There was always something that got misinterpreted by him.

I would try to defend myself and would again, take the time to carefully write my email and I would still get upsetting emails back.

This was brutal. He found ways to tear down all my defenses and invade my boundaries.

One day, something happened that put me over the edge. I was exhausted by this back and forth conflict. I needed to move on with my life and get out of this viscous cycle.

I started following the rules I created for myself:

  • Keep emails short – five sentences maximum
  • Wait a day or two after getting an icky reply before replying back.
  • Do not defend myself, especially if he asks me to. I’m just giving him more opportunities to attack my values and beliefs
  • Do not discuss my email communication between myself and my ex with others

These rules are very hard to stick to but I’m getting lots of practice and if you are recently separated, I bet you are too.